Musings.

2009-07-14T22:31:00.001-07:00

My beloved ones:

There is a new blog in my life. If you have a desire to have it email me, or text me, or facebook me, or send me a smoke signal and let me know.

So much love,
ashleigh

2009-06-21T19:18:00.001-07:00

When I get nervous, its like my synapses have a party.

2009-06-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

"The memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror. Decision to decisions are made and not bought but I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot. I guess not."

I'm finding a safe place to blog.

2009-06-18T20:06:00.001-07:00

"Just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there."

If the past days have taught me anything, its to never have expectations. For anything. For anyone. I'm vowing to myself to try not to have them anymore. I enjoy things a lot better that way.

"We are accidents waiting waiting to happen."

2009-06-17T14:49:00.001-07:00

"So do you think that we could work out a psalm? So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try"

drafted.

2009-06-15T21:56:00.001-07:00

To say that what I am feeling is not jealousy is a stretch.

drafting.

2009-06-15T20:07:00.001-07:00

Nothing has changed.
Everything is the same.
We both know it.

And yet we are being forced into these roles we seem to hate.

Draft v2.0

2009-06-14T19:40:00.003-07:00

I'd give anything to be back in that bed singing "I can feel a hot one"

I miss you.

draft...

2009-06-12T13:05:00.001-07:00

"You'll sing me sad songs, to keep me awake in that bedroom where we hid away."

Being away has not proved to be a refreshing break from having you on my mind. Lack of contact followed by surges of being always in communication have long been the usual between us, but the drastic highs and lows send me spinning.

"I'm
Long
Gone."

2009-06-11T23:54:00.000-07:00

Are you doing this on purpose?

2009-06-11T23:50:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling codependent...

2009-06-11T23:46:00.001-07:00

Keep waiting babe...

2009-06-11T23:42:00.000-07:00

... I was asleep.

2009-05-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

"Songs will be played."

Nathan Hussey is a smart man.

2009-05-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

I assume I expected this day to arrive. Though I never it expected it right now.
I should have known, I should have seen the signs. I'm always the one doing the leaving, so I guess I can never stop and take a moment to realize its about to happen.

I fear the change.

2009-05-08T00:06:00.001-07:00

I'm not just some flirty fling...

Just so you know.

2009-04-30T03:29:00.001-07:00

Why hello daybreak.
We have got to stop meeting like this.

2009-04-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

I need to stop talking about you.

Because if I stop talking about you, maybe I'll stop thinking about you. And maybe then, I'll be sane again.

2009-04-23T04:02:00.000-07:00

"If God gave me grace, then why aren't a graceful?
My joints are frozen, cold, old, and idle."

"All your words inside my mouth..."

2009-04-22T00:46:00.000-07:00

And all your words scrambling my brain.

I don't even care about writing this paper... At all. (Also, I don't even think I remember the meaning of the word sleep.)

2009-04-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

"And you'll sing me sad songs to keep me awake, in that bedroom where we hid away"

I've had a very trying week, I feel like I'm getting hit from all sides right now and I'm almost to a breaking point. School is overwhelming right now, and I'm just trying to get through without losing my steam and giving up. But the real test of my emotions/stability/mental health this week has been my relationships with those around me and my inability to convey the emotions/thoughts that I want. All I hear is my mouth moving and these words just stumbling out and they're all wrong and I want to take them all back and put them right back in my brain. I can feel myself slowly ruining the walls I've fought hard to put back up, the relationships I slowly mended are falling apart and I am left sitting here unsure of how to handle myself and my actions. One of the hardest things in the world to do (for me, at least) is express emotions and thoughts and feelings, even when you think they may ruin you. And this week, with a little push, I did that. As a person I've never been so in touch with myself and so honest with myself and even with others about what I want in life and what I'm thinking. Conveying any kind of emotion has always been a great challenge for me, I bottle everything up and then it spills over until I'm a mess of all my weaknesses from the past 2, 3, even 4 months. And this week I have dealt with emotions older than even that. I faced my biggest demon, the largest source of my emotional baggage and I stood it in the face and said (almost) everything I'd ever thought. And it. was. liberating. That is until the backlash. These moments that I realize how much of myself I put out there, and the level of vulnerability that sends my brain into a state of emergency. For most of my life I've done a good job of putting up walls and guarding them from any type of threat, but thats the thing about the honesty is that it allows people access to your most highly guarded rooms, and the deepest corners of your thoughts. I am disappointed in myself a little, for the amount of selfishness I have shown this week, my utter disregard for the problems I could be implementing into others lives and the level of pity I have placed right in my own lap. I have been wallowing in my own self pity, and not only that but drowning in anxiety. I feel like at any moment I'm on the verge on a panic attack and literally moments away from losing my mind, and I hate feeling this unstable, and to be honest I never have felt like this. I'm scared.

2009-04-16T23:04:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to stress myself out beyond belief. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. Someone make it stop.

2009-04-14T00:54:00.001-07:00

I hate you, quit creeping my blog, go away, hang up.

The end.

Ps, I'm just kitten. :)

2009-04-08T23:25:00.000-07:00

There's something beautiful about the surprises. For me the last week has been full of them, and they came from a few of the most unexpected forms. (But, I guess they are surprises right?) My car ride with Denton when I came to a few very serious conclusions, to what started out with a joke in the library with Caleb that turned into me facing and realizing something that I wasn't even aware of yet. At this point its a completely new feeling and I am not even sure I am comfortable thinking about it, much less speaking about it. I do feel like I have found a possible friend in Caleb, the fact that he mentioned this to me in so much sincerity and the amount of interest he took in me, a person who is so flawed and so broken is inconceivable to me. We are mere acquaintances in every definition of the word and yet he took a vested interest in me and that is so amazing.

2009-04-05T22:16:00.001-07:00

Last night I made Denton ride with me to grab some food while we were waiting for the band to set up. On that ride we discussed my life and my love life and just how messy everything is right now. As the conversation turned to a certain individual who has caught my eye recently, Denton said something that really hit me and kind of opened my eyes in a way I'd never seen it before. We were talking about said person he said, "Ashleigh, that's a lot of emotional baggage for you to take on.. especially when you're still holding onto baggage of your own." At that moment, I turned to him and said "Denton, I don't have any emotional baggage!" and as those words left my mouth and the car was quiet a voice rang loud and clear through my speakers, and the voice was my emotional baggage. He was right there singing through my car speakers hiding in the corners of my mind and inadvertently making me miserable. We both heard the song, and thought the same thing and immediately began laughing, because in that moment what else can you really do? Now, I am grown enough to admit that I'm the only one to blame for my misery. Everything that is making my insane at this juncture of my life can all be traced back to yours truly, and I have no one to blame for it. As I mulled over the situation I began to realize how true it was when I told Erich that I'm always trying to save people. Even as a child I was friends with everyone inculding 'bad kids' and 'misfits' (my mom usually called it "taking in strays") but I always was trying to help people. Even as I've grown up and started dating, I've seemed to maintain a pattern of getting myself involved with people who need saving. I try to save people, and I guess this is no different. I'll help you carry your emotional baggage if you help me carry mine... You have more bags that are much heavier than mine, please let me help you.

2009-04-03T00:16:00.001-07:00

Its not worth it,
Its not worth my time.

But you keep me alive.

My heart is heavy and light...

2009-03-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

In my head, I should have been the among the first people reality sank into. Instead I am only able to grip it today, 4 months later. I lost one of the best friends I've ever had in November. Never in my life has something effected me on such a deep level. There are no words to even begin to express the sorrow I feel on a daily basis without her. Not a day passes where she doesn't enter my mind. In my eyes this is still some joke, a big practical joke that no one is in on just yet. Today is the first time that the reality has hit me, and it is debilitating. I knew this day would eventually come and yet I still haven't had time to prepare myself for it. Never have I known a person with more zest for life than the day I met Crystal Bryant. I feel like a part of me is missing that I will never get back, a piece of my heart is forever gone. When I sat down to write this blog, I imagined myself being much more eloquent and composed but it has just turned into me spilling my thoughts as they came to me.

So this is me, 4 months later and still completely lost. I'd give anything for another hug.

2009-03-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

You sing to my soul, oh you break me

Your words have corroded my soul, and encompassed my thoughts to the point where I can't even make them out anymore.

You break me.

2009-03-04T13:33:00.000-08:00

Well I finally remembered my password... So there's that.

Expect an update soon.

2008-12-28T16:51:00.001-08:00

"But I never said a word,

I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again."

2008-10-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

All of this...

Is just whatever.

I want to be home.

2008-10-20T14:51:00.001-07:00

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

2008-10-14T22:58:00.001-07:00

Hm.

Interesting. I think I like it.

2008-09-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

When you're young its ok to be easily ignored.

2008-09-23T19:28:00.001-07:00

You.
Make.
Me.
A.
CRAZY.
Person!

2008-09-15T16:14:00.000-07:00

"These times are strange and they're mine and I make the same mistakes, I don't hesitate to ruin whats best for me."

Honestly, if I could figure out why the hell I do things I do, and act the way I do my life would make a lot more sense. I don't mean to push you away. My life is a constant tug of war of me pushing people away and pulling them back only to push them away again.

"I run home like a child searching for his lost mother, its sad, but its what I do."

2008-09-10T17:31:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the story of my life...

This is the chapter where the only boys who show interest in me are ones who have girlfriends.

I'm ready for the end of this chapter.
kthanx.

2008-09-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

"I guess I should of gave them back, but like you said its always all about me."

That. Stupid. Blue. Jacket.

"Will it be easy to see me, at where ever in a couple of years? I bet you'll marry young, and die old and never ever think about me."

2008-09-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

Last night was beyond disapointing for one reason, and one reason only...

International House of Pancakes, known fondly among friends, as lolhop, as decided to no longer serve Corn Cake Pancakes.

This would be the only thing I eat at lolhop.

Let's take this moment to commemorate the life and joy corn cakes brought to my life.

.
.
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.
.
.
.
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.
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.
.
.
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.
.
.
.

Today...

2008-09-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for 6 foot 5 inch, blonde boys from Lousiana, and the encouragement they have given.

The Hiatus.

2008-08-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

My 4-6 month hiatus from you begins right now. I will not falter I will not contact you, I will not let you contact me. I don't care if you are in town or I am in yours. There will be no contact.
3...
2...
1...
Start.

EDIT: 20 min later, I broke the hiatus. Buh. But it was worthy of contact, it has begun again.

2008-08-25T19:18:00.001-07:00

2008-08-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

So, here I am. I am back in Columbia, happily settled in my pseudo apartment in the smallest room I've ever lived in in my entire 19 years. (Srsly, my closet at home is larger than this room.) But I am so happy to be back with all my astounding friends at my amazing college continuing my awesome education. (And hopefully learning more "a" adjectives...or adverbs :/ sorry Ms Nobles! I know you taught us that! But I can't remember which is which!) Anyway, I am entirely happy to be back! I'm also rushing this year which I'm actually really excited about. My young life leader Angie told me that this is what she loves most about me, that I can do so many completely different things. And, to be honest, I agree whole heartedly. I am a hodge-podge of the most randomly delightful things and I love myself. (Concieted much?) This blog is weird and rambly, but its my blog and I shall blog however I want!

2008-08-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

"Weary my mind is to say the least
It's been awful hard to just stand on my feet
I think I'll slow down if I am able
I won't drown in the ocean
Or starve in my place at the table"

It's like a bucket list, but I'm not dying.

2008-08-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I want to do in my life, but there are somethings I NEED to do relatively soon. For one, to keep myself from going crazy, and two, to improve my quality of life. So this is my reminder to myself (And all of you, help me remember to do these things! Pressure me to remember them! Ask me about them as often as you can!) so that I get these things done.

1. Become healthier- Go to the gym. Eat better.
2. Mend my relationship with vegetarianism!- My life was a lot smoother when I was a strict vegetarian and getting back on track shouldn't be too hard since I'm constantly not eating meat for days/weeks without even doing in on purpose.
3. Study hard, but not too hard- Its all about the balance.
4. Get as close to a 4.0 as possible- All my friends who are good at calculus better help me achieve this one!
5. Devote time to reading everyday.
6. "I feel infinite" days/moments- I want to try to take a monthly or bi-monthly day trip (As applicable) to Charleston, to Charlotte, to Asheville, to where ever my heart desires. Trips filled with astounding music, and amazing people.
7. CONFESS!- If you know me well enough you know what this means. Eventually I have to tell. And we know it will either be absolutely fabulous or crash and burn but regardless it has to be done or else I really will go legally insane. And it may ruin everything, but who knows, it could be the greatest thing I'll ever do.

Seven is a good realistic number. If it was good enough for God to create, it should do just fine for me. So fill me with encouragement! Help me make these things happen!

2008-08-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

"Is that what you call a getaway? Tell me what you got away with, 'cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish, I've seen more guts in eleven year old kids. So have another drink and drive yourself home."

I am not even overreacting when I say that this isn't how its supposed to be. Best friends don't act this way. They don't leave you. They don't forget about you. Maybe I'm not "college" enough. Maybe we are just too different to be friends. My Diet Coke vs your alcohol. My loyalty vs your flakiness. Maybe its just that I'm not as cool as your college friends. They never seemed to mind. But what I do know is that I'm over it. This is the final thought on the situation. This is the period at the end of the sentence in my life story that you were a part of. I'm over you and our friendship. (Or lack thereof.)

"Is that what you call a getaway? Tell me what you got away with, you left the frays from the ties you severed, when you say 'best friends' it means friends forever...
I can't let you let me down again.
And I can't let you let me down again."

2008-08-11T23:27:00.000-07:00

Once my friend Scooter was at a Waffle House late night and someone asked their waitress about their grits to which she replied, "Sometimes they great, and sometimes they ain't shit."
And I can think of no better way to say about nights like tonight.
But tonight, it was worth it. I love it when my nights turn out to be so unexpectedly great. I'm thankful for all my astounding friends and I love them.

This blog really makes no sense to me at all.

Awesome.

2008-07-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

Apple is about to get a large piece of my mind, they better be happy its after hours.
A. My computer charger just sent sparks onto my bed.
B. The battery was recalled.
C. The exchange program has expired (As of July 25, AWESOME.)
D. I leave for the coast on Saturday and so I will not have a computer while I'm there. (Thankfully I have a saint of a friend in Brandon Kean who is going to fix my charger for me because he's so freaking awesome.)
E. THE KICKER: The recall for this battery was in July of 2006, my computer was bought in July of 2007. So basically I was sold a battery that has been known to do this.
Boom, go Apple.

2008-07-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

I am tempted to say that today has been the worst of the summer, if not the entire year. After having World Wars 3-7 with my mom tonight, and being an overall emotional wreck for no reason at all, I just got an event request on facebook (Which usually is something that makes me very happy because it means one of my astounding friends' bands are having a show.) that sent my day into an infinite abyss of blah. A close friend of mine from high school had a new baby sister 6 months ago. Today I got an event invite to a blood drive for Alana because 2 days ago she was diagnosed with luekemia. It really just isn't fair that she is going through this. She's 6 months old. Its unreal and unfair that this is happening.

I think I'll end up going to sleep early and putting this day out of its misery.

(EDIT: At first I was confused and thought it was her 2 year old sister, but its her youngest sister who is only 6 months old.)

2008-07-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

My EmmaBear is almost 2 years old and I cannot even believe it. I cannot begin to explain how astounding it is to have someone who was once the smallest person I'd ever met walk up to me and grab my hand and talk to me like an actual person. She is a real person. She has long hair and draws me pictures and talks and bosses me around because she is my boss and I am a pushover and she's so cute I can't freaking stand it. She says ridiculous things like "cheeeeeeese" (As in mac and cheese) and "shoe-she" (She has the cutest little sushi set that has velcro pieces and is all around precious.) Josh and Sarah sure know how to make some pretty babies. Madeline is beautiful and unlike Emma has dark hair and blue eyes and she is so much bigger than she was just one month ago. I can't even believe how much these babies have grown up.

2008-07-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

"What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?

Other than a sick desire for self abuse.

And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like we're in some kind of hurry to say goodbye."

Ben Gibbard is a genious.

2008-07-26T01:15:00.000-07:00

You're so consistently inconsistent.

2008-07-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

"Jessica" is now listed as engaged.
"Jake" went from being its complicated to married.
"Chelsea" is now listed as in a relationship with "Tyler"
"Brooke" is no longer listed at single.
"Samantha" went from being single to being in a relationship.
"Mark" and "Hannah" ended their relationship.

This is what my facebook feed looks like right now.... At least there are still some single people left in the world, or 2 of them.

2008-07-23T23:42:00.000-07:00

Stalking my tagged pictures via facebook... Innocent enough right? I come across a picture of Dustin and I from probably 10th grade. My heart skipped a beat... I can't even explain the emotion I feel seeing it. Its literally like he is watching over... I'll just let the photo speak for itself.

The Dark Knight and Mom Cars.

2008-07-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

Upon seeing The Dark Knight for a second time, I have a good perspective on how I feel about it.... I freaking love it. I feel like Ledger's portrayal of Joker was reminiscent of Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lector in The Silence of the Lambs. Sort of an endearing creepy antagonist. The dialogue in the film is astounding. There are so many witty one liners that I absolutely loved. This is a movie I have been anticipating since last summer and it did not disappoint on any level.

I was watching an E! special on Heath Ledger's life and I was completely entranced. He seemed very uncomfortable in the public eye. From what I heard his friends and relatives say about him he was very very pirvate and it came off to people as being arrogant. I can't help but find it ironic that the people our culture idolizes as celebrities are more than likely the people who were the most outcasted in high school. At my high school, for example, the drama kids were like a cult. They called the drama director "Mama" and basically had no other social life or activities outside of drama. They were always a very weird bunch. Actors and actress are a very emotive bunch by nature and I think Ledger was no exception. In interviews he seemed very uncomfortable. I'm not sure why his life has become so intrigueing to me, I wasn't a huge Ten Things I Hate About You fan, and I've never even seen A Knight's Tale. Its just something about his mystery I guess.

I went to look at a new car today. It was a Honda Accord and it just did absolutely nothing for me. At first I like it, but it was just chicken fingers to me. I love my car now, so so much and I really don't want to give that up with the new car. (This feels like the dumbest thing I've ever written in my entire life.) So tomorrow I'm going to look at A Volvo. We'll seeeeeeeeee. I enjoy the irony that my dad keeps wanting me to look at more "young" people cars, and I really like mom cars... Ha. Who am I?

So this is life...

2008-07-19T21:13:00.001-07:00

I realized that all of my recent blogs have been short and arbitrary and left much up to the imagination of all (3) of my blog readers. (Unless they know what's going on in my life at the moment.) So I sort of want to catch you up on my life. So this is life as of now.

Music.
There is so much amazing music in my life right now. This summer I've seen so much astounding live music I don't even know what to do with myself. If you don't listen to mewithoutYou, and Colour Revolt you should. I also saw James Taylor which was not only ridiculously fun, it was inexpensive and I had a blast. I've seen so many more people this summer and I just can't recall right now. But I'll shamelessly plug a few of my friend's bands, After August (who I took promos for this past week, AWESOME!), Sequoyah Prep School, The Devil And The Lion, Marry A Thief, All Get Out, and Friends And Romas. You should check them all out on myspace.

School.
I made an A in my math class this summer! MATH! An A! Which puts me at exactly a 3.0 which means that I have my scholarship and I will be back at Carolina with a car! (Which may or may not be new but I'll get to that later.)

Friends.
I have the most amazing friends on the face of the planet, but unfortunatley this summer, I've learned most of them live in Columbia. My friends from home simply seem to have vanished and that is beyond heartbreaking. While I never had a consistant strong group of friends in high school, I did have a few semi-close friends who I thought I would manage to stay friends with. But I guess that has been proven wrong. Perhaps that's why I've spent so much time in Columbia this summer. The friends I have there have kept me alive and I am so thankful for them!

Shermie.
My car, Shermie, has been the love of my life (hands down) since August 2, 2006. I love her with all my heart and if it were up to me and feasable I would drive her until the wheels fell off. But, I have outgrown her. It was perfect for high school and the GREATEST first car I could ever ask for. My a two seater convertible is no longer practical. I'm looking for something bigger with even better gas mileage and as of today I have no idea what that will be.

Relationships.
I've saved the stickiest and most complicated for last. This entire summer nothing has made sense. This aspect has not been an excpetion. I think that everyone from my past who could have ever tried to reappear has. I have had few prospects and many dead ends and its all just very irritating. And of course the person I really want to be with is oblivious to everything. Which is something I resent, yet find intensely adorable at the same time. His complete ignorant bliss (this is probably not the right wording) and ridiculous storybook life appeal to me on so many levels. I have, however, put it in the back of my mind more recently to focus on other things.

So this is life...

2008-07-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

Stupid infectious smile, makes me stupid.

2008-07-14T21:26:00.001-07:00

Maybe the time is now. Maybe I've already missed out on the moment. Maybe its not for 20 more years. I've found that as much as I am terrified to find out, I want to know more than anything in the world.

2008-07-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

I'm running in circles,
aimlessly
And crying,
for no reason

None of this makes sense to me.

2008-07-09T22:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I'm more afraid to actually find out, or not knowing.

Anguish.

2008-07-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

"It's like a book elegantly bound,
But in a language that you can't read just yet."

The wait continues...

2008-07-05T21:51:00.001-07:00

You're just damage control for a walking corpse like me.

2008-07-04T21:55:00.001-07:00

I love you in multiple stages of consciousness.

2008-06-30T07:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like this should make more sense to me.
That we should finally be able to be civil, and friends, and content with one another.
It should be fine. We should be fine.
But I see turmoil that reminds me of us 9 months ago.
And all it does is reopen these wounds.

I don't need to be thinking about this.
I don't need to be thinking about you.
I don't need to be thinking about us.

"You can't see past the length of your nose
The biggest problems, well you're sure they're your own
That girl you cut loose
Those two friends that cursed you
And all that powder that you can't leave alone

...

Cause it's endless, the ditch you can dig
You're stubborn, and you're prideful, and you're all over it
So i suggest you make sense of the time you've got left
So you don't end up back where you've been"

I forgot...

2008-06-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

How astounding Into The Wild is. Actually, I didn't forget it was astounding I just forgot how much it moves me.

This is completely serious.

2008-06-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

I hope that one day someone will love me as much as I love my cat. Because sometimes I look at him and he's so freaking precious I can't even stand it. I just have to pick him up and snuggle him.

I'm sure that sounds really pitiful, but I actually find it humorous. Its not a sad statement. I'm just a crazy cat lady.

2008-06-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

Who lays in the tanning bed when its 90 degrees outside?

Apparently, I do?

2008-06-22T19:43:00.000-07:00

I bet you'll marry young, and die old, and never ever think about me.

As much as I dislike you. Those are beautiful, beautiful words and its a beautiful song.

My name is Ashleigh.

2008-06-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

And I am a shameless flirt. I don't even realize I do it. But I hook people in and then crush them.

I am a man eater.
Oops.

2008-06-19T14:48:00.001-07:00

I think ConsumerReports.com is full of shit.

Mix Tape #1

2008-06-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

"Buh"
1. A Beautiful Mess- Jason Mraz.
2. Play Crack the Sky- Brand New.
3. I Go to the Barn Because I Like the...- Band of Horses.
4. Marry Song- Band of Horses.
5. CLF (December 7, 1988)- All Get Out.
6. Petals- The Honorary Title.
7. It's Only Your Life- Kevin Devine.
8. Alice and Interiors- Manchester Orchestra.
9. The Night Will Go As Follows- The Spill Canvas.
10. Blue Eyes- Cary Brothers.
11. Title and Registration- Death Cab for Cutie.

2008-06-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

Thank God for days off.
This morning I went to class as usual, and came home. I slept until 12.30 and then ate lunch with my friend Autumn who's visiting from California and we talked babies because she's having one. It's all really exciting and I can't even believe she's been married for a year and now she's having a baby! Mind blowing. I came home and sat around until 4 because I was on call at work until and then I went back to sleep until just now.
Astounding.
I am worthless today and I love it.

Random Memory of the Week #2

2008-06-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

In the 4th grade my class was coming in from recess or lunch or something that had us out of our room, I was standing up beside my desk where there was an open desk between me and Kyle something or another. Apparently Kyle was late getting back in because he ran into the room and jumped over the empty desk, kicking me right in the head. I had a goose egg and my teacher yelled at him.

TYPICAL!

2008-06-15T07:21:00.000-07:00

Typical.
Typical.
Typical.
Typical.
TYPICAL!

2008-06-14T19:42:00.001-07:00

Dreams like this shouldn't happen.

Its a sign... It has to be a sign.

I am proving...

2008-06-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

To myself that I am none other than a part of this generation's emotional bloggers. And I'm ok with that. Maybe because we are more emotional we will create a great change. Our hearts are filled with so much compassion for life and love and others that we have to be destined for great things.

With that being said.

The time has almost come. Butterflies turn into bats as I carefully plan out my words. Everyday I bring up a new point and meticulously form sentences and words all with perfect diction and eloquence. My poise and emotion will most likely become nervous emotional babble but hopefully it can create something beautiful. Hopefully it will be evident how true and overwhelming these feelings are. I am overjoyed at this opportunity but terrified beyond belief. One of two things will happen, I will walk away content and more happy than I have ever been, or I will be bruised and hurt. I could be destroying everything I have built for the past year and a half.

"This double life I lead isn’t healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all"

And it would be such a beautiful moment

2008-06-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

2008-06-08T20:02:00.001-07:00

My ex boyfriend is a father as of today and that freaks me out beyond belief.

2008-06-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, I just got home from work. Let's keep in mind that I work at a mall. I hate stupid people who lack at their job. If she had done what she was supposed to we would have been done on time.

Buh. I hate denim!

There is a pit in my stomach...

2008-06-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

Every time there is new music.

This may or may not be the most arbitrary blog ever.

2008-06-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

Apparently Madeline Belle Moore had a plan of her own and decided to join us at 2:20am this morning/last night. She is beautiful and perfect and so completely astounding. I don't even know how to wrap my head around the fact that just yesterday she was chilling inside Sarah and now here she is. So perfect and able to function, breathe, eat, smile at me (She's a prodigy.) and be a person. 7lbs 4.5 oz and 19inches of precious baby girl. She is astonishing, and I am in love with her.

2008-06-01T07:43:00.001-07:00

Java Black? Or Buckingham Blue?

The great question of my life.

2008-05-31T21:51:00.000-07:00

Monday is baby day and I could not be more excited! Maddie is coming! Beautiful life is joining us in the world and I cannot wait to meet her!

James Taylor was absolutely phenomenal! I'm so glad I ended up going. Somethings just work out perfectly. And they are filled with beautiful, beautiful magic. And that, is what makes every day of our lives worth getting up for.

2008-05-28T23:10:00.000-07:00

I have realized that my relationship with meat is an incredibly unhealthy one. I hate meat, I eat meat, I eat meat, I hate meat. Needless to say, even when I am eating meat is in extremely tiny portions and if I order a dish with meat, I have a few bites of it and then eat all the veggies and leave my poor plate with bits of chicken on it.

So this is the ultimatum. No more meat. Either that or all meat. (Which isn't actually an option.) No more meat will be put into my body. I have unintentionally not eaten meat in a week or so. So that makes me realize that my old ways are still there, I just need to dust them of and use them.

Boom! GO veggies!

Random Memory of the Week #1

2008-05-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

I'm going to do this weekly, a random memory from my life.

In the 7th grade I was convinced there was a gang at my school because I saw all these people with bunnies on their necklaces, earrings, watches, etc etc etc. One day I told my friend Kristen about this alleged gang and their paraphernalia, turns out it was just Playboy stuff. Probably a good thing I didn't know what that bunny was for.

I know that this is what you want.

2008-05-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

A funeral keeps both of us apart, you know that you are not alone, need you like water in my lungs, this is the end.

You shouldn't even bother me any more. Your words shouldn't bury themselves deep in my skin and creep into my soul, but somehow they manage to. 8 months without a phone call, and then you throw around words like they are candy. You are spiraling downward in a fashion so drastic that you are barely recognizable as the person I used to know. The slightest glimmer of your former self would be encouraging. You don't need to go back there, those people are toxic and so are their lifestyles. You deserve better than that, because you are better than them.

2008-05-19T22:57:00.001-07:00

Discontent is all I am feeling. I can't get comfortable, in my seat, in my home, in my life, in my heart. Nothing makes sense and nothing is put together.

Buh.

2008-05-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like being a girl tonight. I want to watch The Notebook. And I'm going to. I'm going to cry like a little girl go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and have my car serviced.... Like a real man.

Haha. Welcome summer. Its good to have you back.

Tears and Doves.

2008-05-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

My heart is heavy and light. Today they laid him to rest. The worst reunion I could ever have with my classmates. We clung to one another, teary eyed and somehow much older than we were one year ago, and even 4 days ago. His mother was painfully composed, smiling and waving at each of the familiar faces, thanking them for coming. They released 3 white doves; the father, the son, the holy ghost. And released a single dove, Dustin, who immediately joined the other 3. The fourth had to join the three, or he had no chance at survival. Each and every individual there was touched by one life, and that one life brought us all together.

Epic Fail.

2008-05-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

I have failed this semester. Not literally, but I have failed myself. I have failed my parents and disappointed them. The only A I made (I think) is in the class that comes as second nature to me. And even in that I half-assed. Now I have to take a summer course and pray and work with everything I have to make an A to keep my scholarship. This year has been a learning experience, so many new issues, so many new people, so many new problems, but I have to remind myself that one bad semester means NOTHING. My dad had a bad year (or 2) and he's sitting on a doctorate researching and developing medicine that saves lives.

This too shall pass.

This isn't how its supposed to be...

2008-05-08T19:46:00.001-07:00

You're supposed to live your life, your best friend is supposed to be there for you, you're supposed to feel at home in your home, everything is supposed to fall back together after it falls apart. We're supposed to support each other and love each other and stay friends forever.

It doesn't make sense.

2008-05-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

People should never die young. That's not how its supposed to happen. If you didn't know him, don't mention it, don't bring it up. Don't drag his name through the ground. Think about his family and his friends.

I'm tired of people saying things like God has a reason and a purpose. How could it ever be God's will for someone to leave behind parents, and friends, and life that isn't finished living. It doesn't make any sense to me, and I don't find it comforting. There should never be a reason or a purpose in someone's life ending.

I am 3 finals away...

2008-04-29T22:51:00.001-07:00

From freedom.

And that is a fantastic feeling.

At this point in time, I'm stalling...

2008-04-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

I have a paper due tomorrow and I'm stuck. I'm not entirely sure why, but I can never manage to write unless crunch time. (Much like the Yankees when it comes time to win ball games.) Maybe the pressure is enough of a rush that it allows my mind to see everything more clearly, who knows. So I'm sharing a little of the photography I dabble in from time to time. These are just a few of my favorite shots.

A shot...

2008-04-28T20:00:00.000-07:00

From the show last night. (I'm not sure if its even possible to get more than one?) I spent 6+ hours at New Brookland Tavern. Needless to say, even after a shower I still smell like an ashtray.
Five bands played including my best friend's band, and a band that 2 of my other friends are in. Met some fabulous new people, and enjoyed catching up with old friends.

You're the lucky one, so I've been told.

2008-04-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

As free as the wind blowing down the road
Loved by many, hated by none
I'd say you were lucky cause I know what you've done
Not care in the world, not a worry in sight
Everything's going to be alright, cause you're the lucky one.

If it weren't for you and that smirk, I'm not entirely sure my life would be complete.
Both cheesy and ridiculous, you are astounding.

Nothing you say can or will ever penetrate these walls that I create.

2008-04-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

Today I realized (for the first time ever, might I add.) that the reason public restrooms are different than home restrooms is because they don't have that water holder above the basin.

Wooo. Observancey.

Beautiful, beautiful magic is happening.

2008-04-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

And I like it.

It feels like I'm living in Elizabethtown.

2008-04-20T02:29:00.000-07:00

The words will never escape my lips, but they are always lingering in the depths of my mind.

Just take that leap.

Become permanent. Become a fixture.

Let me be more than just a character in your storybook life.

2008-04-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

"After the dance, we left in Sam's pickup. Patrick was driving this time. As we were approaching the Fort Pitt Tunnel, Sam asked Patrick to pull to the side of the road. I didn't know what was going on. Sam climbed in the back of the pickup, wearing nothing but her dance dress. She told Patrick to drive, and he got this smile on his face. I guess they had done this before...Anyway, Patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got to the tunnel, Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called "Landslide." When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."